Does anyone else feel like this is the most loaded question they’ve ever been asked? “I’m fine! How are you?” with a smile. I can assure you that I never answer this question with an honest answer. I think it’s pretty rare that the person asking the question truly wants to hear the full, truthful answer. They probably think they do, and are asking either because they feel like they’re supposed to, or because it’s what is “normal” to ask when starting small talk. And maybe you have friends who really DO want to know the true answer. But do YOU even know your whole-hearted truth?

I have tried to convince myself that I’m a fairly open person, and willing to share about anything someone asks me. Except that’s not true. I have realized I’m open, to a point. I will share until I feel uncomfortable, or I think someone else is uncomfortable, and then I’ll stop. I’ve said things like “I’m an open book, ask me anything,” but I don’t know that I’ve answered those questions honestly when I’ve been asked them. I’m definitely a self-censorer (is that even a thing? maybe it’s a new word I just made up) and will, more times than not, say what I think someone wants to hear… but why?

As I’ve been going through the last few years of therapy, I often find myself feeling like a kid – asking myself things like: Why? But how come? Why am I like that? Why do I care? Why should I do that?

-written 5.17.2020