The phrase ‘you are enough’ is insulting. You can always be improving. You’ll never be enough.

Ummm, okay… so no wonder I have some struggles with self confidence and often feel like I’m not good enough. My entire life I have lived thinking I have to be perfect. If I can’t do something perfect the first time, why should I bother? Does this apply to others? Of course not! Everyone else is allowed to make mistakes or have flaws. But me? Nope.

My amazing husband got me a 23 & Me kit a couple years ago for Christmas… coming up on 4 years ago to be exact. It’s still sitting in the package, in my office. Plastic not even taken off of the box. Why? Because I’m scared I will do it wrong. DO WHAT WRONG? you may be asking… and that’s a great question. What if I learn that I’m not Irish like I’ve always thought I was? What if I do the spit sample wrong and it says something crazy? How likely are these things to happen? Probably not very, considering I know my family history and genealogy, but who knows about the spit thing!

I want nothing more than for my daughter to not feel this way as she’s learning who she is in the world. I want her to know that no matter what, she is amazing. She is perfectly imperfect, just the way she is. And if she wants to improve something or make changes so that she feels empowered to do new things or get a certain job or whatever it might be I will support her in that. I never, though, want her to hold back because she is afraid of something that may or may not happen.

The quote above came from my mom not very long ago. To be clear, I love my mom dearly and she is one of my absolute best friends. I know what she meant by the statement, because we are very much alike and I have a hard time with the “I am enough” statement too. But when you hear it said aloud like that, it is kind of a blow to the chest. Pieces started to fall into place though, and some more things started to make sense.

I want my daughter to know that regardless of what society tells her, she is her own person and gets to determine her own standards. There are always new things to learn, and we will never truly be perfect humans and know everything and never make mistakes. But, I want her to decide what that means to her on her own terms, and when she is ready. She is almost 11 now, and one of the goofiest, spunkiest, most confident kiddos I’ve ever met. She inspires me to be better every day. I want her to see me working hard so she knows she can do whatever she wants to do, but I also want her to see me confident in the places that I am currently in my life, which is the side I’m working to get better at 🙂

Overall, my fear is that she will get my bad habits, and not my good ones. However, despite my fears, I know we will continue to move forward together!

Does anyone else feel like this is the most loaded question they’ve ever been asked? “I’m fine! How are you?” with a smile. I can assure you that I never answer this question with an honest answer. I think it’s pretty rare that the person asking the question truly wants to hear the full, truthful answer. They probably think they do, and are asking either because they feel like they’re supposed to, or because it’s what is “normal” to ask when starting small talk. And maybe you have friends who really DO want to know the true answer. But do YOU even know your whole-hearted truth?

I have tried to convince myself that I’m a fairly open person, and willing to share about anything someone asks me. Except that’s not true. I have realized I’m open, to a point. I will share until I feel uncomfortable, or I think someone else is uncomfortable, and then I’ll stop. I’ve said things like “I’m an open book, ask me anything,” but I don’t know that I’ve answered those questions honestly when I’ve been asked them. I’m definitely a self-censorer (is that even a thing? maybe it’s a new word I just made up) and will, more times than not, say what I think someone wants to hear… but why?

As I’ve been going through the last few years of therapy, I often find myself feeling like a kid – asking myself things like: Why? But how come? Why am I like that? Why do I care? Why should I do that?

-written 5.17.2020

For being someone who has lived with anxiety and depression for last long as I can remember, so at least 20 or so years, I’m handling this whole COVID-19 thing pretty well. It’s been two months since I found that quote and decided this would be a good way for me to pass some time. I haven’t written – weirdly – for fear of not knowing what to say. How to say it perfect. The unknown is hard for me. The internal judgements are so much harsher than anything anyone else would say, so why even start, you know?

-written 4.19.2020

It has been almost 3 months since I found the quote that inspired me to write a blog and start posting things. And yet, once again, it has become something I feel like I’m just failing at. As a Virgo, perfectionism courses through my veins. It’s exhausting, because at the same time, anxiety and depression control so many of my thoughts and being. I often end up in this weird paralyzed state where, since I know I can’t do something perfectly, why should I even start?

There are so many things I want to write about, to share. In hopes that maybe someone would be helped or benefit from something I’ve gone through. But the fear of judgement – ugh! It’s scary as hell. But WHY?? Why do I care so much?! Why do I give someone else this crazy, crippling amount of power, when in reality, they likely really don’t give a shit.

Honestly, I’ve started “this” post (AKA just the second one…) multiple times. It’s had different titles. I’m still not sold. I might change it before I save and publish it… does the font look right? Should I change it? Why am I writing this blog anyway? The only person I have told about this is my therapist. What if someone finds out it was me that wrote it? Do I really care?

For now – I’m a wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, great-aunt, friend, professional, leader, and mentor. I have high – sometimes unrealistic – expectations, mainly of myself, drink way too much Diet Coke, am obsessed with pens and stationery, and have terrible bad habits of playing with my hair and picking at my nails and cuticles. I have dealt with anxiety and depression for more than half of my life – at least 20 years that I can remember (when I actually can remember stuff!) – and have been going to therapy for almost 5 years now, consistently. I’ve learned a lot over those 5 years, and have decided that maybe writing about some of my experiences and reality will help me process through things, and maybe someone will find this along the way and it will help. <3